beneathmoonlight | Inbox: Atsushi Nakajima

[Meanwhile Atsushi goes through the motions of ordering himself an iced coffee without any real desire to drink it. He will, because he doesn’t like wasting food, but his enjoyment will be dampened until the air is cleared between them.]

I’m...

[He wants to say that he’s fine, but that would be insulting to John’s intelligence if Atsushi actually expected him to believe that.]

...getting by.

[He takes a deep, shaky breath before willing himself to look John in the eye.]

I know it wasn’t you who did it, John-san. I don’t hate you, but I...

[He feels so guilty admitting this...]

...I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little afraid of you.

Edited 2018-05-13 00:40 (UTC)

[ john's grateful, frankly, that atsushi doesn't lie to his face. not that he would have any right to say anything in the manner. his eyelids lower as atsushi continues speaking-- yes, being afraid of him would be a natural consequence of that.

unpleasant, certainly, but john can't say he's surprised. ]

Why? [ it's not an accusatory tone, but curious. because i remember your face, gloating as you tried kidnapping me, is the obvious answer, but more he itches for something more specific to pinpoint-- ] 'Cause of what my Retrospec memories are like, my ability, or...?

I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be afraid. I know it wasn’t you...

[Atsushi blurts out the apology before he can stop himself, because he’s so used to being the one who’s messed up. He feels incredibly guilty about his admission, but he can’t lie. Not now.]

Both.

[His voice sounds so small, but he can’t clam up now.]

Your ability is definitely useful, though, and those memories don’t speak for who you are.

... It's all right.

[ not as much as he'd like to respond with, but atsushi of all people providing reassurance about the usefulness of his ability isn't what he came to discuss. he doesn't know what to say. if atsushi's willing to try to understand that those memories aren't john becket, then that's perhaps some progress towards... something. he doesn't know what. john doesn't deserve anything even encroaching that.

but... ]

[ he exhales a breath of air. ]

Anyway- I meant to say. Even if it's what happened-- I never meant to hurt you. I know you didn't deserve any of that.

[Of all the things John could’ve said, I never meant to hurt you resonates with Atsushi the most, and he can feel tears threatening to well up in the corners of his eyes. Of course he’d known that John hadn’t meant to hurt him, but actually hearing those words goes a long way towards recovering from all this.]

I know you didn’t.

[But whether Atsushi deserved any of it is something he’s still struggling to cope with.

A tiny smile tugs at the corners of his lips, though it’s not quite as bright as usual.]

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I was put in a cage or something because of what I am now, but I really do like being free.

[ -ah. atsushi's managed a smile, which also isn't something john expected. he wonders how easy that is to come-- it probably isn't. ]

A cage..?

[ and he'd raised a hand to lift his coffee, but now his hand hesitates at its handle. glancing back up to atsushi, there's that curiosity again, but this time along with a subtle note of confusion. ]

You really think that?

Ah...it’s nothing. Just...

[He glances away, shrinking into himself like he’d love nothing more than to curl up and disappear for a while.]

I remember...the tiger wanting to...

[His voice is small, and his expression turns pained.]

Hurt you.

[ it's not a pleasant truth, no. ... but whether john likes it or not, there are few things he understands better than wanting to hurt someone through anger. ]

'Course it did.

[ so he sips his coffee without issue. the response is less difficult to come by this time, even in lieu of how distressed atsushi is at having to speak of something like that.

but swallowing, he does peer up through his lashes at asushi, expression remaining one of neutrality. ... perhaps that's a bit too expected for john: he remembers the tiger thrashing, angrily snapping its jaws at it tried to free itself, the look in its eyes. ]

Steinbeck--that's what my name was, in my former life--was tryin' to take away that freedom of yours. It's natural that he would want to hurt me for that, don't you think?

[Atsushi blinks a few times in surprise. John seems awfully calm after everything that’s happened, and while Atsushi is glad that he’s not visibly upset, he’s worried that maybe John is holding back the true extent of his emotions.]

You mean you’re not angry?

[John has a point. Any animal will attack when cornered...]

I suppose...but I would’ve felt terrible about it. Nothing you did was your fault.

[Atsushi sighs, and it’s one that’s full of unspeakable exhaustion.]

Thank you...for speaking to me. I didn’t want to leave things as they were.

... That would've been weird, right? Bein' mad 'cause the tiger was angry at me for tryin' to capture it?

[ and the anger is still easier to empathize with than the forgiveness. but regardless, it's admittedly more of a rhetorical question; john nods as atsushi continues speaking, mirroring his sigh as he settles back against his chair. cup replaced to the table, he loosely folds his arms over his chest. ]

[ that's a good reminder, though. speaking to him-- there was something more he wanted to address. ]

Did you have any questions, though? [ ... right. his mouth draws into a thin line. ] About our past lives. I can't say I know it all, obviously, but if there's anythin' gnawin' at you, then I'd try answer it.

I...I suppose.

[It’s baffling to Atsushi that John doesn’t seem to harbor any ill will towards him anymore, even if he knows that the Bosuma incident wasn’t his fault. There’s still the whole Dazai thing, but Atsushi isn’t going to bring up old wounds right now.

He finally meets John’s gaze again, brows furrowing and lips curving into a frown.]

Was Akutagawa part of the same organization as Steinbeck? That was the person who tore my leg off with some kind of strange ability in my memories. Maybe they were both after me for whatever reason.

Edited 2018-05-19 01:54 (UTC)

[ ... well, holy shit, atsushi sure does remember his leg being torn off. that's initially met with, likewise, a furrowing of his brows. truth be told, if they're from the same past life, it's almost expected his memories would have some layer of awful to them.

john refocuses, ]

Akutagawa?

[ the way john says it, it's apparent it's a name he's yet to have heard. so, after thinking through the names and face he does know, atsushi's question is met with a minute shake of his head. ]

Doubt it. If he's from Yokohama, then chances are he's either part of the Mafia or the Detective Agency. Other than Steinbeck's organization, those are the only two that I remember.

Edited 2018-05-19 02:16 (UTC)

I see.

[Well, his past life being awful is just kind of a thing that he’s come to accept these days, so he doesn’t think much about mentioning getting a limb torn off.]

The bounty on my head that Steinbeck was after...do you know who put it on me? I mean I guess it doesn’t matter who it was, but I’m just...curious, I guess. Steinbeck didn’t seem to like whoever it was very much.

... You're not wrong, there.

[ that steinbeck "doesn't seem to like whoever it was very much." that's polite. john would use the words "hates with every fibre of his being.". ]

I don't remember his name, but he was my boss, yeah.

[ and john knows he could go into that man's flaws in grotesque detail, too. ]

[ he lifts his shoulders in a light shrug, gaze turning from his coffee back to atsushi's face. ]

But that's the thing. Maybe you've figured it out already, but if you're curious about that Akutagawa's and his strange ability, then I'd bet he's named for an author, right? [ yes, he bets he could search on his phone "akutagawa" and get some ping for a famous author. he's otherwise not familiar with the japanese names, as atsushi could be, but "atsushi," "chuuya," "dazai"-- it's all checked out. alas, for john, ignorance is bliss; the less he knows of that man, the better. ] And the abilities are named for their works. If you wanna go down that route, wouldn't be surprised if you could find out more information that way.

Authors?

[Atsushi thinks back on what Shuji had told him, about Akutagawa Ryuunosuke and his book Rashomon. It didn’t make much sense back then, but now it seems like the pieces are slowly falling into place.]

I could try doing more research. I wonder just how many people in the city are from the same world.

[He’s definitely going to investigate now. Maybe he can find out more about his own ability as well.]

Can I ask you one more thing, John-san?

[He takes a deep breath.]

What kind of person was I? If you don’t know that’s fine, but...I guess I’m just curious.

Too many.

[ if he's going to be frank. ]

[ as for that second question, john has to reflect on that memory he received ages ago. it'd been brief, but with a number of faces to make note of-- atsushi's being one of them. so , accompanied with a shrug, it's likely a disappointing answer, ]

Dunno. Just saw you from afar along with a couple other people. You look similar, but that's all I could say.

I see.

[Atsushi didn’t really expect to get an in-depth answer, but he at least had to try.]

Thank you for telling me all this, John-san. It can’t be nice to remember all of that.

[It’s not pleasant for him, either.]

But I don’t blame you for any of what happened, and...

[He gives John a warm, genuine smile this time.]

I’d still like to be your friend.

Edited 2018-05-19 23:19 (UTC)

[ he'd still like to be his friend. atsushi's just like that, isn't he? wanting to be friends where he can manage it. of course, there's that dark, intrusive, thought of why? why would you? john feels like he can pinpoint a dozen or so reasons why they shouldn't, or why it wouldn't be worth effort, but much of that goes against his mantra of being different from steinbeck. ]

[ so, his smile widening, he quells that. ]

[ "i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t a little afraid of you." ]

Okay. [ it's a chance at something. there's gratitude. ] We can try.

Inbox: Atsushi Nakajima

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