beneathmoonlight | Inbox: Atsushi Nakajima

[Atsushi can’t help it; he actually drops his phone in shock, the color draining from his face as all of that terrible information hits him like a freight train. How...? Why...? He has to be dreaming...this can’t be happening.

Atsushi chest tightens suddenly, and it becomes almost impossible to breathe. Dropping to his knees, he goes into a panicked state, limbs tingling and mouth going dry.

He can’t...he can’t take all this at once...

He scrambles for his phone with trembling hands, his vision swimming as he struggles to inhale properly.]

O-one moment, S-Shigaraki-san...

[ Now -- Kei listens to the sound of his irate breathing over the phone, even though it has been dropped on the floor. He stares ahead at the unconscious body of Sakutarou Oda, and finally remembers to blink.

It's time to see how you handle the sinking stone I am giving you. Will you grow stronger from this, or will you fail? Well, I have no intention of helping you either way. ]

I apologize. That is a lot to take in. I'm sorry. [ He breathes out slow. ] I thought it would be best to have it be like -- no, there is no way to have said anything like I did better or worse than what I did. There is only the reality of the situation and I cannot do this alone.

[All right...Atsushi needs to get ahold of himself right now, because people are counting on him. He has to stand up, take a deep breath, and figure out what to do from here.

When he speaks his voice is small and shaky, but at least he’s calmed down a bit.]

It’s all right. Do you need an ambulance? Either of you? Please tell me if you do. I’ll be over as soon as I can either way.

No, we don't.

[ He rights the stool that is lying on its side. Holding the phone against his ear with his shoulder, he walks to look for some cleaning supplies through the counters. The blood needn't remain unclean on the floor. ]

I have regained quite miraculous healing ability, and was able to save both of our lives. All that remains is what to do with him now. I'm afraid as the person that saved him... he will reject me completely, but I do not want him to die, Atsushi. So, I'm giving you a heavy burden.

[ Ah, there's the cleaning supplies. ]

Okay. I’ll be right over. Please take care until then.

[Atsushi hangs up and quickly throws a jacket on over his pajamas, and the speed at which he bolts to the clinic is almost inhuman. He must look a sight, running down the road like this, but he couldn’t care less.

He doesn’t bother knocking, instead just bursting through the front door of the clinic looking frazzled.]

Shigaraki-san! I’m here!

Atsushi.

[ The blood has been more or less cleaned up by this point. Bleach is heavy in the air. He offers a sympathetic smile as he walks over to him. ]

I'm glad that you're here. [ Stepping back, he gestures towards where Oda still is resting on the bed. The bottle of the pills has been capped and set off to the side along with the scotch. It is like laying out his own play and scene direction.

But he pauses to turn towards him. ]

Please catch your breath. I don't want you to end up collapsing. [ Reaching out, he touches the young man's face. ] You look so pale. Well, that's to be understood... I was glad I was able to clean up a little so you wouldn't have to see anything more than needed.

Edited 2018-06-25 04:01 (UTC)

[One thing about Atsushi’s newfound ability is that he has heightened senses now, and the smell of blood mixed with bleach threatens to knock him right off his feet. He coughs, not willing to let it stop him, though it’s definitely difficult to ignore.

Immediately Atsushi pieces together what happened here, and it breaks his heart. Tears well up in the corner of his eyes, and he’s so close to dropping to his knees and sobbing.]

Why...? Why would he do this, Shigaraki-san?

[ He reaches out to places his hands on Atsushi's shoulders, giving them a small squeeze. It is meant to be comforting, but he feels very far away. Anxious, no, waiting. ]

Because he was hurting inside in a way that no one could help him. Or rather, he felt that no one could help him. [ Walking over, he decides to pick up both bottles so that he could now dispose of them in the garbage. It wouldn't do to not have them out. ]

This is not a failing on anyone. It isn't even a failing on Sakutarou Oda, himself, Atsushi. [ He feels like laughing but chokes it back. ] It is, however, a situation that can be fixed ... and saved.

[The gesture is comforting, but Atsushi’s mind is still in turmoil. He simply doesn’t understand...]

I would’ve listened if he needed to talk...

[Atsushi chokes back a sob, trying to stay strong despite the urge to fall to his knees and weep. He can’t look at Oda right now, he just can’t.]

How do we fix this?

I know you would have. Indeed, I think he very much needed to talk, but he did not want to do so.

[ He fixes his gaze on the unconscious man once more. Kei wonders what would have happened if he had adamantly said "no". Well, there is no point in thinking on the past. Even if that past is a few hours ago.

The rising horror he feels about his own response, his own actions, feels like quiet background noise in the back of his head. It crawls up his spine, but feels little more than a faint chill. How do we fix this?

But he still feels it. He still acknowledges it. Kei closes his eyes as he decides that his horror, his disgust with himself, is enough to tell him that he should continue to strive for salvation. How do we fix this. ]

The issue right now is with the soul. It feels shaken and broken and weak. That is something that Sakutarou Oda has to recover on his own. But -- you can be there for him. [ He smiles warmly. ] And a few of his friends that you feel would be able to help him work through this. I'm afraid that anything I attempt to say or do will only cloud and dirty his soul further.

He'll see me as an enemy for having gotten involved, and I can only imagine how angry he is going to be once he regains consciousness. [ His smile sharpens. ] I've crushed his the last of his dreams... of leaving this life, after all. [ He feels the sharpness of his smile and frowns. ]

Perhaps, in some way, that makes me a sinner, too... but I think this is better than having done nothing, than having not gotten involved at all. [ Ah. ] I am prattling on... but anyway, you have the more difficult role in supporting and caring for him. Like a bird that has a broken wing... only his very spirit has been crushed. It'll take time and it will be hard for everyone, but ... I would like to hope he'll recover from this.

The soul?

[Atsushi hates to think that Oda has been suffering so terribly all this time without him noticing. The man was quiet and usually kept to himself, but still, Atsushi should’ve sensed that something was off, right? Shifting the blame to himself might not be productive, but how can he not feel guilty for not checking in more often?

But Kei is right. Atsushi and Oda’s other close friends can surely try to help mend this, and that fills him with a newfound determination to do his best.]

You saved him, Shigaraki-san. Even if he’s angry with you when he wakes up, everyone else is grateful that you were here.

[Atsushi slowly, cautiously approaches Oda’s sleeping form before reaching out to brush some stray hair out of his face.]

I know he will. I won’t let him go through this alone.

When I heal the body, I do so by touching the soul of a person. His is ... terribly wounded.

[ He frowns as he feels his shoulders drop. Kei thinks of how his own must look, but he doesn't know. Even when he healed his shoulder, he couldn't get a good look at his own. Not over the pain and hallucinations that go along with healing. How hilarious. ]

Thank you. [ Honestly, he is relieved that Atsushi took that time to walk closer to Oda. His own expression slipped to something close to bemusement, if not outright mockery at the idea. ]

I'm ... glad I called you. [ A half-smile. ] I believe he is in very good hands now. Better hands than if he is with me. [ Kiritsugu Emiya. Ah, I did call him that, didn't I? It really feels more and more like it is a good idea that Oda does not stay in his care. ]

Oh. I see...

[Atsushi can’t really speak for how his own soul must look, but he can only imagine that Oda’s is wounded and hurting, and he wishes he could do more to help...]

I’ll try my best...

[How can Atsushi possibly be a better choice than Kei...?]

Should I move him? Or let him stay here and look out for him?

[ Certainly, as amusing as it would be to carry Oda all the way back to his apartment, he thinks that would put the whole affair on display. Kei would rather remain out of the spotlight as much as possible. ]

It would be best to leave him where he is for now. [ Even as he worries about the state of his clinic when the man awakens, he thinks of the future and the consequences of each action. ] I was thinking it would be better to have him rest at his home, but we have no way to transport him there.

[ A beat. ] I am afraid I do not drive. [ So leaving Oda here is the best solution for now. He pauses as he turns toward Atsushi. ] Atsushi, how are you doing? A loaded question, for certain, but ... how are you?

I understand.

[It’s probably best not to move Oda too much anyway, even if he might not be happy when he wakes up in the clinic.

Atsushi blinks at that question. How is he doing? He doesn’t really know, but that’s not a good enough answer, is it?]

I’m...okay. A little shaken, but I’ll live. I’m just glad he’s alive, and that you’re okay, Shigaraki-san.

I'm glad that you're here with us, too.

[ It is barely a few seconds that a memory comes to him. Not one of his own but of another man's past.

His gaze unfocuses as he recalls saving someone's life -- the life of Kariya Matou. Matou? Kei idly repeats the name in his head as he "relives" all that the younger Kirei Kotomine feels. There are doubts upon doubts. In saving Kariya's life, he made himself an enemy to the Tohsaka household. Yet Kirei ends with thinking that he wants to talk to his father and have an honest conversation with him; he thinks that perhaps something can be saved.

Kei blinks as he returns to the present. He looks at Atsushi's face and thinks on those feelings of anticipation Kirei held in his heart. He thinks about having an honest conversation with the young man that views him like a father-figure. He thinks of tearing away the views that Atsushi has of him and honestly asking for help before he does more damage, before he becomes a monster he cannot recognize. ]

It may have been better to have come to that decision before dragging you out here. [ He looks at Atsushi. ]

I apologize. I acted rashly because I had come to a conclusion and it felt like the right one, but... I should have waited to think it out more.

Please don’t apologize, Shigaraki-san. I’m glad you contacted me, even if it was upsetting. I just wish there was more that I could do.

[There’s nothing he or Kei can do except wait, however, so he might as well get some rest.]

Should I stay here? I can sleep on the floor if you don’t have a spare bed, but it would feel wrong to just leave so soon.

[Maybe it’s selfush, but Atsushi wants to at least feel like he’s doing something by staying here.]

I understand if you need time to yourself though.

You being here is enough for me.

[ He does have a choice now to have an honest conversation with someone who views him as a father-figure. He could easily destroy what image that Atsushi has of him in a few minutes. But he has a fear that he will be forgiven rather than admonished for his cruelty.

To hear forgiving words, it isn't a position that he can place Atsushi in. Yes, you should not have to be the one to forgive my sins. He reaches out to touch the side of the young man's face, cupping and lightly comforting him in a way that he means as paternal. Yes, you being here is enough. ]

I can't have you sleep on the floor, but ... we should let Oda rest a little. [ It would be a bad idea if he continues to stay alone in the man's presence. ] He's in a stable condition right now. So, we can have a meal together and I can help you think of what we shall do after this.

This situation is... too raw right now to think clearly.

Shigaraki-san...

[Atsushi tears up again when Kei cups his cheek, because all of his young life he’d wondered what it would be like to feel affection from a parent, and while the man who’d adopted him had been doting, Atsushi is still growing accustomed to the idea that people might actually want to touch him without hurting him.

Atsushi nods, sniffling. They should let Oda rest and try to relax a little themselves.]

I’d like that.

[If anything can cheer Atsushi up, it’s food.]

Inbox: Atsushi Nakajima

CW: panic attack

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tw suicide

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